Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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