and she was petting her beer can
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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