you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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