I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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