i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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