just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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