It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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