I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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