I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
