if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
