I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
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I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize