Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
