he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
