when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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