At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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