i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
