i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
