my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
