she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
