Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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