It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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