i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
