i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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