If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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