Are we in a gay sports bar?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
