Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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