Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
