So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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