She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
