i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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