i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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