My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
