I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
