i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
