I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Mom said you looked used
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
