i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
