Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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