I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
