I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
