You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
