I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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