you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
