A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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