Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
