I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
