i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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