the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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