Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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