I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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