I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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