I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
