Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
