do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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